Growing Up

I'm about to turn 23. In an hour and 45 minutes, in fact. And I'm wondering. I thought I would have so much more figured out by now. I thought I would be more settled; I thought things would be more secure and more permanent. There's this quote from one of Bill Watterson's Calvin & Hobbes comic strips: Calvin's dad remarks, "I don't think I'd have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I'd known the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed."

I love that. I definitely identify with the sentiment. I don't know if you ever truly "figure things out". I think maybe we're intended to go on fumbling through life, hopefully with an ear heavenward, waiting for God to breathe direction.

I think growing up is an adventure in greater dependence. As children we rely on our parents to guide, direct, and protect us. Most of the time it's easy--because most parents are decent, loving people; and we can see and touch them. Trusting God...it's a step up. It should be easy, because God never makes mistakes, unlike our human parents; it should be easy because I know that God is good.

The problem is that I can't see God. And that my definition of goodness is puny and weak compared to God's goodness. And that I am not wise in the least, compared to the all-wise God who sees the end from the beginning.

The problem is that there is something within me that craves independence. And it is reinforced by my culture's reassurance to "listen to my heart" and to "create my own destiny". I don't know what God is doing right now, and it scares me. Because I don't know why I'm waiting, or what the next step is. I think what I'm learning is greater dependence. Perhaps a refresher course in vulnerability, as well. I wish that my trust in the goodness of God was greater. Then perhaps I wouldn't be so terrified.

Grace

I am overwhelmed by the concept of grace. It is something I have heard of my entire life, and yet the revelation of it continually surprises me. First and foremost I am undone by the ultimate example of God's grace--the cross. Secondly, I see in so many aspects of my life that grace extends "exceedingly, abundantly above all that I can ask or imagine" [Eph. 3:20].

I see the goodness and grace of God in the midst of my weaknesses, insufficiencies, and failings. I see it extended to me, despite my disobedience. God is good. He is "faithful, even when we are faithless" [2 Tim. 2:13]. He is "full of compassion and grace, longsuffering and abundant in mercy and truth" [Psalm 86:15].

I cannot add any more profound thoughts than what is revealed in scripture about the character and nature of God. The idea that Almighty God would reach down and provide salvation for wicked, rebellious humanity is unthinkable--and therein lies it's beauty. God is surprising. His love is not logical, in human terms. The idea that He continues to shower love and extend grace to me, in the midst of my stubbornness and independence...there are no words, only repentant tears when the reality of His love for my unworthy self overtakes me.

It is the revelation of God's love and grace for me that is teaching me the love and grace I should have for others. It does not excuse my failings, but it freely forgives them. It knows no limit. God does not cease to love me should I blow it "one too many times". This love and grace--oh, how I wish to extend it to others, as Jesus has to me. Often, I am so closed. I offer my love and grace conditionally, as long as people do not abuse my trust in them.

I just need to get over this fear of having my heart broken. God's really been speaking to me about taking risks with my heart...how it's not necessarily a bad thing. Jesus risked so much for us because He loved us...He continually offers His love even when we fail, and hurt, and reject Him. How can I do any less?

Beautiful

I often forget that I have a blog...that's funny to me. I love writing here, and yet I get so busy with life--often with stupid things, to be honest. I want to be more faithful this year...it seems crazy to me that more than a month is already gone from this new decade.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the amazing people that I have been privileged to do ministry with, to be friends with, to do life with. I know some truly beautiful people. People with stories of over-coming and redemption. People with wisdom and grace abundant, that they have generously shared with me. People who have taught me the gift of hospitality, by opening their homes to me. People of remarkable faith and courage, who have inspired me to press harder towards the goal. Creative people who have helped me discover more about my own creativity. I see the grace and goodness of God through the incredible relationships He has given me, whether short or long-term; across the miles or down the street.

Drops Like Stars

"We plot. We plan. We assume things are going to go a certain way. And when they don’t, we find ourselves in a new place—a place we haven’t been before, a place we never would have imagined on our own. It is the difficult and the unexpected, and maybe even the tragic, that opens us up and frees us to see things in new ways. Many of the most significant moments in our lives come not because it all went right but because it all fell apart. Suffering does that. It hurts, but it also creates."

This is from the back cover of Rob Bell's new book, Drops Like Stars. And it pretty much sums up where I am right now.

No, I am not comparing my life to the countless millions who live in poverty, war zones, or prostitution. But I am learning what it is like to endure. To watch while your carefully laid plans and cherished hopes lie around you in a smoldering heap. Because it went wrong. Because I had my heart broken. Because God threw a grenade at my plan in order to draw me closer to Him.

I love that He does that. Even though it hurts, I love that He put me back on the path toward my dream. I love that things didn't go my way, because if they had I would be stuck right now. I wouldn't have the new friends I've made. I wouldn't be filled with joy at the new experiences and the learning and the creativity.

They say that hind sight is 20/20. I've learned the difficult lesson of guarding my heart. He broke my heart, but I share equal blame in giving my heart so freely to someone who didn't treasure it. It hurts. The ache has lessened since I have begun making a conscious effort to forgive.

Melanie and Film

My friend Melanie is one of the coolest people I know. She's wise and funny and creative and generous. She's honest and real. She wears her heart on her sleeve. She's okay with struggling with things and with being vulnerable. If she read this, she'd probably say that I'm exaggerating and that half those things aren't true or that they're really hard for her. I don't care. She inspires me.

Two of my favorite Melanie quotes:

"It's crazy to get to know the mystery of people."
and
"I'll take a cup of life with a shot of purple."

Take time to appreciate the people who inspire you today, okay?

Ooh, and I was thinking about filmmaking today, and specifically the kind of film company I want to start. I wrote this down in my favorite local coffee shop, Portillo's:
I have the notion that we can build a family of filmmakers--a company that celebrates the individual's unique contribution to a communal vision. A place where we are more than coworkers and employees. A place where we find ourselves unified in creativity and where we take part in each other's lives and dreams.

Creativity!!

Eight Questions on creativity...

What is your personal definition of creativity?
Creativity is connecting with the heart of God. Understanding that part of His heart that took great care and joy in creating the world. It is entering into the work of God and co-labouring with Him. It is worship.

What is/are your favorite form(s) of creativity?
Film, music, writing, graphic design, and photography.

What inspires you most?
Other art. Something I read will inspire a painting, or a song, or a film idea. I'll see someone else's photo and wonder "how did they think of that?", then I'll try to expand the idea and shape it into how I would have interpreted the same scene. Old jazz and blues music. Vintage clothing. Old books. God's artwork--the sky painted at night or a mountain with whispy low cloud at the peak or the silhouette of a gnarled tree against the sky.

What kind of environment do you like to work in?
One where I am alone or at least undisturbed. I like music to be playing, either worship or Miles Davis. If I am writing, I like to have a coffee or tea...call me crazy but I feel more "writerish" that way :) The area must be neat and organized or I get overwhelmed and distracted. I like lots of colour. Basically, it has to be an artistic, organized, hospitable and inviting atmosphere.

Who is/are your creative hero(es)?
Alfred Hitchcock. Joni Mitchell, Johnny Cash, Brandon Flowers, and George Harrison are a few of the songwriters that I admire. Walt Disney and the many 'Imagineers'...seriously, Disneyland is one of the most well designed places I've ever been. Everything is a visual treat :)

How do you apply creativity to your daily activities? OR How do you cultivate creativity?
I am constantly on the lookout for inspiration. I read, I check out new music, I see new films, I go for walks with my camera. I crochet...sounds weird, but it helps me focus and think. I try new things.

How can the church apply creativity in daily life?
Be willing to try new things. Be stretched. Explore new possibilities in worship. Try journaling or drawing for a quiet time instead of reading a daily devotional. Interact with God. Ask Him how He wants you to be creative today. Honour artists in the church and celebrate the gifts God has given them by giving them more opportunities to truly use their creativity...and I'm talking about more than doing posters and teaching songs to kids...dynamic, creative ministry in ways that break out of the traditional way we do church...like creating a space where people can come and be creative and then holding outreaches in it, like open mic nights. A place that cultivates relationship and creativity and doesn’t threaten people by feeling “churchy” or like they are “projects”.

Give one practical creative tip that has helped you most.
Being creative is a discipline. There is a stereotype that artists are lazy, disorganized people who sit around pondering until inspiration hits them, then launch into manic fits of creativity until the project is complete. This is untrue. Artists do tend to think differently than other people and they can be quirky or unorthodox; BUT that doesn't mean that creativity comes just by waiting around. If you want the gift of creativity that God gave you to grow, then you need to discipline yourself to use it. You need to steward it and glorify God through it by proactively looking for inspiration, not wait around for inspiration to smack you upside the head.

Thought of the Month

This is courtesy of Jamie Tworkowski, of To Write Love On Her Arms:

"You'll need coffee shops and sunsets and roadtrips. Airplanes and passports and new songs and old songs, but people more than anything else. You will need other people and you will need to be that other person to someone else, a living breathing screaming invitation to believe better things."