I just had a Pride and Prejudice Moment?

It's funny how we think we know ourselves. And then along comes a new wave...something new captures your heart and you are changed irreversibly. You thought you had your life figured out. That you knew what the deepest desire of your heart was. And then it's shattered. You see yourself through new eyes. You know what you want. And it's different than you imagined. Not better or worse. Just different. 

I never realised what I wanted. I had dreams. They were good. But I don't know that they were God's dreams. I know I could have pursued them and God would have blessed me. But I know my own heart more fully. I know what I love to do and what makes me come alive. It's not leadership. It's not running a ministry or being in charge of things. It's one-on-one discipleship. Teaching. Hospitality. Art...on my own time and terms. 

I do not want to pursue a career right now. If I abandon myself to pursuing this, it will consume my life for the next 10-15 years. I want a home. I want a family. I want to do ministry on my own terms and time. I want to make coffee! Ha! It's funny how different my life is going to be. Now that I've truly examined the desires of my heart. 

I feel like Elizabeth in P&P. "Until this moment, I never truly knew myself."