I am insecure. I know it. In most areas of my life, I am confident. I am controlled. I know who I am and I am unafraid and unashamed. Does this sound conceited? Perhaps it is. Perhaps not. I have come to view humility as believing true thoughts about yourself. If the things I have just said are true about me, then I am practicing humility, not conceit.
It is truth that I am generally secure. It is also truth that in particularly one area of my life, I am insecure. It has to do with one person. Normally, I am confident in my relationship with him. I do not feel threatened. Still, I bow to jealousies. I allow tortured thoughts. I am suspicious.
But suspicions and assumptions are nothing to base a relationship on.
I know that this is due to an insufficiency in myself. I believe myself unworthy of him. That is not truth. But I believe it. I am a daughter of God and much beloved by Him. I was created uniquely. I am creative. I am talented. I am lovely. I am worth fighting for.
It is also due to the fact that he is amazing. Others girls know it and they flock to him. He is attractive, talented, kind, funny, charismatic, deep, wise, bold, strong, adventurous.
I love him. Oh, how I love him.
If I really do love him, nothing I do can be motivated by fear. There is no fear in love. I have to hold him with an open hand. I must be patient.
God, help me!! Help me to keep my hands open, raised to you in worship and surrender. He is yours, not mine.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Learning To Dance In The Rain
So, I taught at the YWAM base a couple weeks ago and these are my notes:
Learning to Dance in the Rain
Conflict: There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel like running away. I joke about running away and joining the circus, but really it is a true struggle in me not to feel like life will better on the other side of the rain.
Story:
“The rain beats steadily against the glass. It is not common for such a storm to saturate us. The drops burst—more akin to water balloons than the misty showers I have grown accustomed to. I sigh—the sky has thwarted my plans.
“All I wanted was a clear sky. The laughter and chatter of friends around a comfortable bonfire must be delayed. Tap. Tap. Tap. My fingers on the kitchen table betray impatience. The sky moves quickly in Alaska. Perhaps the storm will pass soon.
“Five minutes go by. Ten. No end to the storm. I resign myself to an evening shut indoors, but an image asserts itself. Dancing. I see myself twirl and jump. My hair slicks to my head as enormous drops kiss my eyelids. Dancing in the rain?
“If I am honest, the rain does look refreshing. The damp seems inviting—never mind that I will be soaked within seconds. It will be uncomfortable. I might get muddy. I swing open the door and bare feet fly across the grass. Twirling, I stretch wide my arms and embrace freedom.”
Contentment
“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass; it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”
Happiness vs. joy
Happiness is an emotion dictated by circumstance.
Joy finds its source in God.
My circumstances and emotions must not rule me. Jesus is Lord of my life!
Psalm 16: “The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places.”
The things that God has put in my life are for my good. We must embrace where we are.
Comfort vs. contentment
Comfort is when we’ve settled in. We’ve dug a hole and no one can disturb where we want to be. We’re stuck in a rut and we want to stay there rather than go through the discomfort of change and growth.
Contentment is the place of resting desire. It is a place where we become okay with our daily wrestle with God. It’s a paradox—being okay with not being okay; being comfortable with being uncomfortable; ceasing to wrestle with the fact that we wrestle with things. It is the place of growth—of Christ’s character being built more and more into us.
Philp 4:11-13
“I have entered the risk zone—a life beyond the status quo. I have abandoned myself to God—to a higher standard, to a greater call, to a life “less ordinary”. The more I live this life, the more I realize that my discomfort is insignificant in light of eternity. I have all of eternity to be comfortable, so why do I complain so vehemently against the temporary discomforts of this brief existence?”—Bethany Smith
I cannot look into the future and live there because there is no guarantee that the day will be sunnier. It could be sunnier; it might rain harder, but no matter how much time I spend thinking about it, I cannot change what my future circumstances will be.
I am learning that true hope and God-breathed vision come out of a place of contentment. Only when I have come to rest in my present state will I be filled with hope and set alive with vision from God.
I am learning to be okay with where I am now…and now…and now…etc. Are you?
Learning to Dance in the Rain
Conflict: There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel like running away. I joke about running away and joining the circus, but really it is a true struggle in me not to feel like life will better on the other side of the rain.
Story:
“The rain beats steadily against the glass. It is not common for such a storm to saturate us. The drops burst—more akin to water balloons than the misty showers I have grown accustomed to. I sigh—the sky has thwarted my plans.
“All I wanted was a clear sky. The laughter and chatter of friends around a comfortable bonfire must be delayed. Tap. Tap. Tap. My fingers on the kitchen table betray impatience. The sky moves quickly in Alaska. Perhaps the storm will pass soon.
“Five minutes go by. Ten. No end to the storm. I resign myself to an evening shut indoors, but an image asserts itself. Dancing. I see myself twirl and jump. My hair slicks to my head as enormous drops kiss my eyelids. Dancing in the rain?
“If I am honest, the rain does look refreshing. The damp seems inviting—never mind that I will be soaked within seconds. It will be uncomfortable. I might get muddy. I swing open the door and bare feet fly across the grass. Twirling, I stretch wide my arms and embrace freedom.”
Contentment
“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass; it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”
Happiness vs. joy
Happiness is an emotion dictated by circumstance.
Joy finds its source in God.
My circumstances and emotions must not rule me. Jesus is Lord of my life!
Psalm 16: “The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places.”
The things that God has put in my life are for my good. We must embrace where we are.
Comfort vs. contentment
Comfort is when we’ve settled in. We’ve dug a hole and no one can disturb where we want to be. We’re stuck in a rut and we want to stay there rather than go through the discomfort of change and growth.
Contentment is the place of resting desire. It is a place where we become okay with our daily wrestle with God. It’s a paradox—being okay with not being okay; being comfortable with being uncomfortable; ceasing to wrestle with the fact that we wrestle with things. It is the place of growth—of Christ’s character being built more and more into us.
Philp 4:11-13
“I have entered the risk zone—a life beyond the status quo. I have abandoned myself to God—to a higher standard, to a greater call, to a life “less ordinary”. The more I live this life, the more I realize that my discomfort is insignificant in light of eternity. I have all of eternity to be comfortable, so why do I complain so vehemently against the temporary discomforts of this brief existence?”—Bethany Smith
I cannot look into the future and live there because there is no guarantee that the day will be sunnier. It could be sunnier; it might rain harder, but no matter how much time I spend thinking about it, I cannot change what my future circumstances will be.
I am learning that true hope and God-breathed vision come out of a place of contentment. Only when I have come to rest in my present state will I be filled with hope and set alive with vision from God.
I am learning to be okay with where I am now…and now…and now…etc. Are you?
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