Growing Up

I'm about to turn 23. In an hour and 45 minutes, in fact. And I'm wondering. I thought I would have so much more figured out by now. I thought I would be more settled; I thought things would be more secure and more permanent. There's this quote from one of Bill Watterson's Calvin & Hobbes comic strips: Calvin's dad remarks, "I don't think I'd have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I'd known the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed."

I love that. I definitely identify with the sentiment. I don't know if you ever truly "figure things out". I think maybe we're intended to go on fumbling through life, hopefully with an ear heavenward, waiting for God to breathe direction.

I think growing up is an adventure in greater dependence. As children we rely on our parents to guide, direct, and protect us. Most of the time it's easy--because most parents are decent, loving people; and we can see and touch them. Trusting God...it's a step up. It should be easy, because God never makes mistakes, unlike our human parents; it should be easy because I know that God is good.

The problem is that I can't see God. And that my definition of goodness is puny and weak compared to God's goodness. And that I am not wise in the least, compared to the all-wise God who sees the end from the beginning.

The problem is that there is something within me that craves independence. And it is reinforced by my culture's reassurance to "listen to my heart" and to "create my own destiny". I don't know what God is doing right now, and it scares me. Because I don't know why I'm waiting, or what the next step is. I think what I'm learning is greater dependence. Perhaps a refresher course in vulnerability, as well. I wish that my trust in the goodness of God was greater. Then perhaps I wouldn't be so terrified.