I just had a Pride and Prejudice Moment?

It's funny how we think we know ourselves. And then along comes a new wave...something new captures your heart and you are changed irreversibly. You thought you had your life figured out. That you knew what the deepest desire of your heart was. And then it's shattered. You see yourself through new eyes. You know what you want. And it's different than you imagined. Not better or worse. Just different. 

I never realised what I wanted. I had dreams. They were good. But I don't know that they were God's dreams. I know I could have pursued them and God would have blessed me. But I know my own heart more fully. I know what I love to do and what makes me come alive. It's not leadership. It's not running a ministry or being in charge of things. It's one-on-one discipleship. Teaching. Hospitality. Art...on my own time and terms. 

I do not want to pursue a career right now. If I abandon myself to pursuing this, it will consume my life for the next 10-15 years. I want a home. I want a family. I want to do ministry on my own terms and time. I want to make coffee! Ha! It's funny how different my life is going to be. Now that I've truly examined the desires of my heart. 

I feel like Elizabeth in P&P. "Until this moment, I never truly knew myself."

Online

Why is it so easy to chat online, yet so hard to converse face to face? Wouldn't it be easier to talk when you could look into their eyes? Guess at what they are feeling? Yet we talk freely to a computer screen--and keep our mouths shut when with another human being. I am doing it again right now. Typing my thoughts into a blog...I want to share them with a person.

I long to be truly known, but I fear intimate relationship. I fear someone knowing me and then rejecting me. I am not perfect--far from it. I am farther than some believe from surface level observation. My past whispers that no one will ever accept me. That I am un-redeemable. I fear being known, even though I know these are lies. 

I want to be known in life, not just online. 

Green

The world has turned green and fresh again. I fell in love with this place at this time of year. It seems surreal that I have lived in Homer for two years. It was two years on Friday. It seems I have always been here. This place gets inside of you. It becomes a part of you.

Leaving is something I crave and simultaneously dread. I miss my family. I want to spend some quality time with them before our lives change too much more. But the thought of leaving the people here behind tears my heart. I have incredible friends here. They are the family I have chosen.

God, help me to know what is right!

I know I'll be back to Homer someday. I want to come back and just live...I don't want to say 'a normal life' because I don't believe such a thing exists. Shall we say, a non-community living life?

Hope

Hope is the belief that the future holds something good.

I've been learning about hope lately. The theme seems to be everywhere. Movies, books, sermons, songs, blogs...they all speak to me about hope. I need to hear it. I need to be reminded about hope. That God has things in store for me. That He has good plans. That I'm included.

I have so many dreams for the future. Sometimes they seem out of reach. Sometimes my hope dims. Whispers in the dark say that nothing's ever going to change. Lies. Hope is truth. God's truth. 

I want to be a filmmaker. I want to direct movies that will touch people's hearts. That will reveal truth when Hollywood is so consumed by lies. That will speak hope in the face of overwhelming doubt.

My friend Graeme says that films are about escape--an alternate life. The hope that there is more out there than what we see and experience first hand. The hope that we can be more if we just dive into another world than the one we know right now.

I think that all films give hope. Most attempt to make us hope in the wrong things. Popularity. Partying. Being cool. Adventure. Finding the perfect lover. Etc.

I want to make films that will point out the right thing to hope in. The only thing we can hope in is God. Because only He comes through every time. Love, sacrifice, kindness, joy, peace--these point us to the God of Hope (Romans 15:13).

Symptoms

It's funny how we think we can treat symptoms without addressing the root of a problem. This is as true in the case of physical ailment as it is in emotional and mental stress. 

I had a conversation with a friend recently. I brought a list of all the things bothering me in our relationship. I wanted to treat symptoms. I wanted to ignore the root. I was afraid if I admitted the root then I would have to deal with more problems. That I would be hurt. The conversation went nowhere. It was useless, until I was honest. Until the root was exposed.

I didn't expect to feel this calm. I didn't expect to feel so free. I feel peace again. I've stopped worrying. I've stopped thinking too much. 

God is good. He is faithful, even when we are faithless. He does exceedingly, abundantly above. Again and again. And I am so thankful.

Coffee

I spend a lot of time around coffee. I drink coffee at home. I hang out in coffee shops. I work as a barista. My friends like coffee. We talk about coffee.

I still remember the first cup of coffee I had that I enjoyed. It was from a coffee shop and it had lots of cream and sugar in it. My prior exposure to coffee had been stale-tasting Folgers at "coffee fellowship time" after church.

Blech!

This particularly life changing cup of coffee was sipped while in conversation with a new friend. I remember the topics...the conversation was that good. I think perhaps what makes coffee such a meaningful part of my life is the relational aspect of it. 

Now, I love coffee. I love the flavour--I now drink it with lots of cream, but no sweetening of any kind. BUT I enjoy it a billion times more if I have a friend sitting across the table or next to me on the couch. Relationship is what matters--coffee just facilitates it.

My friend Graeme says that the key to winning the Western Hemisphere is a simple coffee mug. "You put a cup of something warm in their hands and people talk," he said. As I thought about it, I realized he was absolutely right! Some of my favorite conversations with strangers have been in a coffee shop. Some of my most fruitful relationships have been built over coffee...or tea, for those of you who prefer it.

Coffee shop evangelism...try it. Relationships are what matter, because the only thing you can take with you to heaven is people.

Home

"Maybe surrounded by a million people...I still feel all alone...I wanna go home."

I love the words to that Michael Buble song...they connect with me. I feel an incredible longing within myself to be home. The only problem is, I don't know where home is. Home has always been a very fluid concept in my life. Twenty-one years old and I've moved as many times. I'm not exaggerating--I actually counted it up today. 

"Let me go home...I've had my run...baby, I'm done...I gotta go home."

Scripture says that we look forward to a heavenly homeland...that we are strangers and pilgrims in this world. I know that my longing to be home will not be fulfilled completely until I find my way to my heavenly homeland. But, God, I want a home here, now--a promise of the things to come...a glimpse into the perfection of eternity.

I am finding more and more that this place feels like home...but not with YWAM...the community of Homer. I seem to have finally realized after two years here that life does exist outside of YWAM...that it's okay to have friends who are not in YWAM. I feel like I've wasted so much time getting to know the amazing new friends I've found. I want to stay...I want to go...I don't know. 

My heart is restless, trying to find my home. I have put my creativity on hold for so long...I don't know where to go in order to cultivate it. I feel like that is the new season God is drawing me into...a season of cultivating my creativity. I have laid it down for two years...laid it down in order to serve the vision of others...I feel like God is handing it back to me.