How Far Will You Let Me Go?

I hate this. I hate the weaknesses I see in myself. I hate the things God asks me to do to remedy them. I hate the resistance I feel rising up in my flesh. I hate that it's hard and uncomfortable and I know I need to obey because it's not worth disobeying.

It sinks in...

Just a few thoughts today: I am starting to understand more fully who I am. I was thinking over my day last night. I love reflection. Well, I was thinking over a conversation with a friend. "Your acceptance or rejection of me doesn't change who I am." Woah! When did that truth finally sink in? I've struggled with others' opinions of me being tied to my value. It become so clear last night. Somewhere along the way I started believing in my heart that my value is tied to God.

I just had a Pride and Prejudice Moment?

It's funny how we think we know ourselves. And then along comes a new wave...something new captures your heart and you are changed irreversibly. You thought you had your life figured out. That you knew what the deepest desire of your heart was. And then it's shattered. You see yourself through new eyes. You know what you want. And it's different than you imagined. Not better or worse. Just different. 

I never realised what I wanted. I had dreams. They were good. But I don't know that they were God's dreams. I know I could have pursued them and God would have blessed me. But I know my own heart more fully. I know what I love to do and what makes me come alive. It's not leadership. It's not running a ministry or being in charge of things. It's one-on-one discipleship. Teaching. Hospitality. Art...on my own time and terms. 

I do not want to pursue a career right now. If I abandon myself to pursuing this, it will consume my life for the next 10-15 years. I want a home. I want a family. I want to do ministry on my own terms and time. I want to make coffee! Ha! It's funny how different my life is going to be. Now that I've truly examined the desires of my heart. 

I feel like Elizabeth in P&P. "Until this moment, I never truly knew myself."

Online

Why is it so easy to chat online, yet so hard to converse face to face? Wouldn't it be easier to talk when you could look into their eyes? Guess at what they are feeling? Yet we talk freely to a computer screen--and keep our mouths shut when with another human being. I am doing it again right now. Typing my thoughts into a blog...I want to share them with a person.

I long to be truly known, but I fear intimate relationship. I fear someone knowing me and then rejecting me. I am not perfect--far from it. I am farther than some believe from surface level observation. My past whispers that no one will ever accept me. That I am un-redeemable. I fear being known, even though I know these are lies. 

I want to be known in life, not just online. 

Green

The world has turned green and fresh again. I fell in love with this place at this time of year. It seems surreal that I have lived in Homer for two years. It was two years on Friday. It seems I have always been here. This place gets inside of you. It becomes a part of you.

Leaving is something I crave and simultaneously dread. I miss my family. I want to spend some quality time with them before our lives change too much more. But the thought of leaving the people here behind tears my heart. I have incredible friends here. They are the family I have chosen.

God, help me to know what is right!

I know I'll be back to Homer someday. I want to come back and just live...I don't want to say 'a normal life' because I don't believe such a thing exists. Shall we say, a non-community living life?

Hope

Hope is the belief that the future holds something good.

I've been learning about hope lately. The theme seems to be everywhere. Movies, books, sermons, songs, blogs...they all speak to me about hope. I need to hear it. I need to be reminded about hope. That God has things in store for me. That He has good plans. That I'm included.

I have so many dreams for the future. Sometimes they seem out of reach. Sometimes my hope dims. Whispers in the dark say that nothing's ever going to change. Lies. Hope is truth. God's truth. 

I want to be a filmmaker. I want to direct movies that will touch people's hearts. That will reveal truth when Hollywood is so consumed by lies. That will speak hope in the face of overwhelming doubt.

My friend Graeme says that films are about escape--an alternate life. The hope that there is more out there than what we see and experience first hand. The hope that we can be more if we just dive into another world than the one we know right now.

I think that all films give hope. Most attempt to make us hope in the wrong things. Popularity. Partying. Being cool. Adventure. Finding the perfect lover. Etc.

I want to make films that will point out the right thing to hope in. The only thing we can hope in is God. Because only He comes through every time. Love, sacrifice, kindness, joy, peace--these point us to the God of Hope (Romans 15:13).

Symptoms

It's funny how we think we can treat symptoms without addressing the root of a problem. This is as true in the case of physical ailment as it is in emotional and mental stress. 

I had a conversation with a friend recently. I brought a list of all the things bothering me in our relationship. I wanted to treat symptoms. I wanted to ignore the root. I was afraid if I admitted the root then I would have to deal with more problems. That I would be hurt. The conversation went nowhere. It was useless, until I was honest. Until the root was exposed.

I didn't expect to feel this calm. I didn't expect to feel so free. I feel peace again. I've stopped worrying. I've stopped thinking too much. 

God is good. He is faithful, even when we are faithless. He does exceedingly, abundantly above. Again and again. And I am so thankful.