I'm about to turn 23. In an hour and 45 minutes, in fact. And I'm wondering. I thought I would have so much more figured out by now. I thought I would be more settled; I thought things would be more secure and more permanent. There's this quote from one of Bill Watterson's Calvin & Hobbes comic strips: Calvin's dad remarks, "I don't think I'd have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I'd known the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed."
I love that. I definitely identify with the sentiment. I don't know if you ever truly "figure things out". I think maybe we're intended to go on fumbling through life, hopefully with an ear heavenward, waiting for God to breathe direction.
I think growing up is an adventure in greater dependence. As children we rely on our parents to guide, direct, and protect us. Most of the time it's easy--because most parents are decent, loving people; and we can see and touch them. Trusting God...it's a step up. It should be easy, because God never makes mistakes, unlike our human parents; it should be easy because I know that God is good.
The problem is that I can't see God. And that my definition of goodness is puny and weak compared to God's goodness. And that I am not wise in the least, compared to the all-wise God who sees the end from the beginning.
The problem is that there is something within me that craves independence. And it is reinforced by my culture's reassurance to "listen to my heart" and to "create my own destiny". I don't know what God is doing right now, and it scares me. Because I don't know why I'm waiting, or what the next step is. I think what I'm learning is greater dependence. Perhaps a refresher course in vulnerability, as well. I wish that my trust in the goodness of God was greater. Then perhaps I wouldn't be so terrified.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Grace
I am overwhelmed by the concept of grace. It is something I have heard of my entire life, and yet the revelation of it continually surprises me. First and foremost I am undone by the ultimate example of God's grace--the cross. Secondly, I see in so many aspects of my life that grace extends "exceedingly, abundantly above all that I can ask or imagine" [Eph. 3:20].
I see the goodness and grace of God in the midst of my weaknesses, insufficiencies, and failings. I see it extended to me, despite my disobedience. God is good. He is "faithful, even when we are faithless" [2 Tim. 2:13]. He is "full of compassion and grace, longsuffering and abundant in mercy and truth" [Psalm 86:15].
I cannot add any more profound thoughts than what is revealed in scripture about the character and nature of God. The idea that Almighty God would reach down and provide salvation for wicked, rebellious humanity is unthinkable--and therein lies it's beauty. God is surprising. His love is not logical, in human terms. The idea that He continues to shower love and extend grace to me, in the midst of my stubbornness and independence...there are no words, only repentant tears when the reality of His love for my unworthy self overtakes me.
It is the revelation of God's love and grace for me that is teaching me the love and grace I should have for others. It does not excuse my failings, but it freely forgives them. It knows no limit. God does not cease to love me should I blow it "one too many times". This love and grace--oh, how I wish to extend it to others, as Jesus has to me. Often, I am so closed. I offer my love and grace conditionally, as long as people do not abuse my trust in them.
I just need to get over this fear of having my heart broken. God's really been speaking to me about taking risks with my heart...how it's not necessarily a bad thing. Jesus risked so much for us because He loved us...He continually offers His love even when we fail, and hurt, and reject Him. How can I do any less?
I see the goodness and grace of God in the midst of my weaknesses, insufficiencies, and failings. I see it extended to me, despite my disobedience. God is good. He is "faithful, even when we are faithless" [2 Tim. 2:13]. He is "full of compassion and grace, longsuffering and abundant in mercy and truth" [Psalm 86:15].
I cannot add any more profound thoughts than what is revealed in scripture about the character and nature of God. The idea that Almighty God would reach down and provide salvation for wicked, rebellious humanity is unthinkable--and therein lies it's beauty. God is surprising. His love is not logical, in human terms. The idea that He continues to shower love and extend grace to me, in the midst of my stubbornness and independence...there are no words, only repentant tears when the reality of His love for my unworthy self overtakes me.
It is the revelation of God's love and grace for me that is teaching me the love and grace I should have for others. It does not excuse my failings, but it freely forgives them. It knows no limit. God does not cease to love me should I blow it "one too many times". This love and grace--oh, how I wish to extend it to others, as Jesus has to me. Often, I am so closed. I offer my love and grace conditionally, as long as people do not abuse my trust in them.
I just need to get over this fear of having my heart broken. God's really been speaking to me about taking risks with my heart...how it's not necessarily a bad thing. Jesus risked so much for us because He loved us...He continually offers His love even when we fail, and hurt, and reject Him. How can I do any less?
Monday, February 8, 2010
Beautiful
I often forget that I have a blog...that's funny to me. I love writing here, and yet I get so busy with life--often with stupid things, to be honest. I want to be more faithful this year...it seems crazy to me that more than a month is already gone from this new decade.
I have been thinking a lot lately about the amazing people that I have been privileged to do ministry with, to be friends with, to do life with. I know some truly beautiful people. People with stories of over-coming and redemption. People with wisdom and grace abundant, that they have generously shared with me. People who have taught me the gift of hospitality, by opening their homes to me. People of remarkable faith and courage, who have inspired me to press harder towards the goal. Creative people who have helped me discover more about my own creativity. I see the grace and goodness of God through the incredible relationships He has given me, whether short or long-term; across the miles or down the street.
I have been thinking a lot lately about the amazing people that I have been privileged to do ministry with, to be friends with, to do life with. I know some truly beautiful people. People with stories of over-coming and redemption. People with wisdom and grace abundant, that they have generously shared with me. People who have taught me the gift of hospitality, by opening their homes to me. People of remarkable faith and courage, who have inspired me to press harder towards the goal. Creative people who have helped me discover more about my own creativity. I see the grace and goodness of God through the incredible relationships He has given me, whether short or long-term; across the miles or down the street.
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