Which Jesus Do You Follow?

The religion that I grew up in is too neat and tidy. It is too perfectly packaged. I think that "typical Christianity" must offend the world horribly. If they ever opened up a Bible they would easily discern the difference between the Jesus in the Bible and the blond-haired, blue-eyed eunuch of a man that we Western Christians claim to worship.

But who could earnestly worship the weak Jesus who fits so nicely into our church buildings? True worship is inspired by awe, wonder, holy terror! The Western Jesus does not provoke those emotions in me. 

JESUS--the Dissident, the Man of War, The King, the Defender of the weak, the Bleeding Sacrifice--is not comfortable or neat or pretty. But He makes me fall down in awe and wonder. I am shocked by Him. Shocked outside of myself. Provoked to abandoned worship. 

He doesn't belong in a building--indeed, it could NEVER contain Him. He would never be so refined--so CONFINED! My Jesus is a Jealous Warrior King who will suffer no rival for my affections. He is a Wild Artist who paints the skies for me and whispers poetry on wind. He is a Fighter for causes of social justice--good news for the poor and afflicted; freedom for the captives; favour and peace from God on High. He is my Savior, who held back nothing in His lavish show of affection for me on the cross. He is my Best Friend--who I can tell anything to, who will never judge me if I come to Him with an open heart.

Birthdays--letter to myself on the occasion of my 21st birthday (March 23)

Birthdays are a big deal. God chose a specific day for you to enter the world. To remember and celebrate that day is to worship Him and rejoice in the plan He has for your life.

Believe me, God has big plans for you. They may be big in the world's eyes or they may not. It doesn't really matter--they are big plans because the Infinite Creator dreamed them up!

Remember the things He's been teaching you. Cling to them. Set up a memorial to remember this time in your life. You'll never have this time again--as much as you wish for it to end.

Do not despise the season the Lord has you in. Rejoice in it, embrace it, learn from it, and look forward expectantly. Trust that new, good things are just around the corner. Trust that they wouldn't be as good if you didn't have to walk through today.

The Kingdom--originally written March 10, 2008

The Kingdom of God is a violent takeover. It overwhelms the things of the flesh in me. God is jealous for me and will allow no other lover...nothing that displaces Him in my heart. He is passionately committed to violently eradicating everything that is not of Him.

He is more concerned with my character (that is, the character of Christ cultivated in me), than my comfort. And in the midst of this bloody struggle (it is indeed bloody, for it required the blood of Jesus and requires my daily death to self), He still wants to give me every good thing, every fruit, every virtue, every blessing, every good gift.

Uncomfortable--originally written on March 3, 2008

I have entered the risk zone--a life beyond the status quo. I have abandoned myself to God--to a higher standard, to a greater call, to a life "less ordinary". The more I live this life, the more I realise that my discomfort is insignificant in light of eternity. I have all of eternity to be comfortable and happy, so why do I complain so vehemently against the temporary discomforts of this brief existence?

 I don't believe for a minute that this character stretching will ease or lessen. Sometimes I feel as though I am gasping for air--I cry out to God, "Could You just take a five minute break, please?" I want it easy, until I recognise that He is committed to bringing me as close to perfection as possible before I enter eternity. Jesus will spare nothing in refining me--not His Life, nor mine.

God, give me grace as You work in my life. Give me peace to endure the storms and discomforts of refining. Give me love for those who are on this journey with me.

"Don't think I've come to make life cozy."--Jesus, Matthew 10:34 (The Message)

Courage--Originally written January 10, 2008

"It takes courage to grow up and be who you really are."--e.e. cummings

I have been reading Mere Christianity, by C.S. Lewis. It is a fantastic book. It has not been paradigm shifting or anything, just a refreshing challenge to understand why I believe what I believe. 

The end part focuses on how, if we allow Christ to transform us and strip away our old nature to make us more like Him, we do not lose our own identity; but rather, we become more truly who we were created to be. I think that surrendering our own will to His is one of the most courageous acts we can carry out in this life (hence the quote...), because it is a continual process. It does not happen once but must be repeated every morning--"not I, but Christ" must be our attitude upon every waking.

It is the paradox of this crazy journey: "To save your life you must lose it."

letter to B---, originally written on December 12, 2007

You must remember to savor the sweetness of life. It is too short, and there are many moments that are less than pleasing to taste. Every time we glory in the sweetness of life, here and now, we grab hold of the promise that our tears will be wiped away.

You know all too well the bitter tasting moments, the flavor of salty tears. Do not dwell there. Allow those things to run their course, then enjoy sweetness. There is sugar sprinkled within the hard flavors. Savor those--the precious memories of those you've lost, the laughter, the joy brought to your life.

The variety adds richness, adds depth to you. You are not less because of your losses. Rather, you are more, because of what each person and experience left with you.

Dearest B---, it's alright to cry. God is crying, too. He knows the hurt that losses, that death, that separation cause. He knows it intimately. 

Allow love to motivate you. It is the sweetness. Love, joy, peace, laughter, kindness, friendship--these are what make the sweet moments.

Grief is but a moment long. Sweetness is forever. Forever in the arms of Jesus. Forever waiting, with those you've lost, for you to finish the race and run into it.

Letter to B---, originally written on April 16, 2007

Remember to always be who God created you to be. You are beautiful and lovely, just like Queen Esther. You are silly and fun. You are dearly loved. You are accepted and handpicked. There is nothing wrong with you. Do not accept the enemy's lies that you are ugly, stupid, or unworthy. God's love for and passionate commitment to you will never be voided. You make Him so happy!

God loves your obedient heart and your pursuit and hunger for Him. He is birthing and growing things in you that are so huge you cannot understand. Please, do not feel overwhelmed. Remember that it is not ever your responsibility to "figure things out". It is just your responsibility to listen and obey. He loves you just as you are, because you were created that way. Embrace who God made you to be. Embrace that God has a significant plan for your life, even though you may not know or fully understand yet. 

Remember that you are extraordinary! You are worth fighting for and putting up with. You are not "too much" to handle. I feel God's heartbeat for you and His arms wrapping around you tonight. Never forget this feeling! Never forget that God is there, just a breath away, waiting for you to fling yourself into His arms. 

OW

My heart hurts today. I'll spare you the details...let's just say it was an emotional day and I took some things on myself that I should not have. I get myself too involved in things. I give my heart away too easily and I get hurt. The other person didn't mean to. They didn't even know they broke my heart. It's not their fault...it is mine.

I want to live my life unguarded. I want to live transparently and to love without reserve. But when do I hold back? I have lived so long with walls around my heart. I want to let people in. I love to love people. I live for it now. I just wish they loved me back sometimes. It's not just in a romantic sense...it is more than that. 

I hate living with secrets. I value honesty so highly...perhaps because I have lived with so many lies for so long. But I find myself living with a secret yet again. I wonder sometimes if it really is true that there are some things better left unsaid...if I could have things my way I would always say what I feel when I feel it. But I live in the reality that people will be hurt if I am 100% honest. I am silent...I suppose you could call it wisdom. I call it a lie.

WAS

I am in Wasilla this weekend...hence the title 'WAS'. This weekend initiates transition in the life of our YWAM base, and I suppose, in my life as well. We drove up to Wasilla for the wedding of one of our staff members, Rob Lilley. He is moving on to other things--a wife, schooling, and new adventures...and we are left feeling the void of his presence. On Monday we drop off our DTS (Discipleship Training School) outreach team. They fly out that morning to St. Lawrence Island for 2 months. They are the fourth team from our base to go on outreach there. So, this weekend marks a quieting down on the base for those of us left behind. It also marks a new season of service. 

Those of us staying behind are going to be focusing on reaching out to the community of Homer for the next two months. For me, this means learning to be a barista at a local outreach coffee shop. This is scary. I haven't worked in this kind of situation for over two years...before I joined YWAM and embraced a life...less...ordinary. It's not exactly your typical job, but doing anything other than what I have done seems intimidating right now. I'm not sure why. 

I have six and a half months left in my commitment to the base in Homer. Right now I think I'll go home, work, then move on to film school in Kona, Hawaii. The school is three months long. After that, who knows? God, alone. I hope to have a career in the film industry. That is my hope. I don't know if it is God's plan. I'm sure my future ministry involves film in some way, but how it ties in doesn't seem clear in my mind. Sometimes I think I've figured things out. Then God comes along and messes with my neat little boxes. I am left to figure out how the new passions in my heart fit in. 

Maybe it doesn't all have to fit in neatly. Maybe God isn't as 'civilised' as I think He should be...maybe I am too uptight and need too many answers. It's faith I need, more and more. I need to trust the Father enough to rest in His arms and let Him lead. I wish I didn't always feel like I need the answers. I wish it was enough that He put something into my heart--into my very being--and that I could just chase blindly, knowing that He'll catch me. It is enough, just not in my mind.

I am learning. God is my Infinitely Patient Teacher--I am a difficult student. I want to grasp the lesson, but my flesh resists. I hate waiting. I hate chasing blindly. I hate not being in control of my life. But I love that it is not my responsibility to figure out my life! Why do I think it should be? Why don't I just release it and let God work things out? He does a much better job than I do...