Growing Up

I'm about to turn 23. In an hour and 45 minutes, in fact. And I'm wondering. I thought I would have so much more figured out by now. I thought I would be more settled; I thought things would be more secure and more permanent. There's this quote from one of Bill Watterson's Calvin & Hobbes comic strips: Calvin's dad remarks, "I don't think I'd have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I'd known the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed."

I love that. I definitely identify with the sentiment. I don't know if you ever truly "figure things out". I think maybe we're intended to go on fumbling through life, hopefully with an ear heavenward, waiting for God to breathe direction.

I think growing up is an adventure in greater dependence. As children we rely on our parents to guide, direct, and protect us. Most of the time it's easy--because most parents are decent, loving people; and we can see and touch them. Trusting God...it's a step up. It should be easy, because God never makes mistakes, unlike our human parents; it should be easy because I know that God is good.

The problem is that I can't see God. And that my definition of goodness is puny and weak compared to God's goodness. And that I am not wise in the least, compared to the all-wise God who sees the end from the beginning.

The problem is that there is something within me that craves independence. And it is reinforced by my culture's reassurance to "listen to my heart" and to "create my own destiny". I don't know what God is doing right now, and it scares me. Because I don't know why I'm waiting, or what the next step is. I think what I'm learning is greater dependence. Perhaps a refresher course in vulnerability, as well. I wish that my trust in the goodness of God was greater. Then perhaps I wouldn't be so terrified.

Grace

I am overwhelmed by the concept of grace. It is something I have heard of my entire life, and yet the revelation of it continually surprises me. First and foremost I am undone by the ultimate example of God's grace--the cross. Secondly, I see in so many aspects of my life that grace extends "exceedingly, abundantly above all that I can ask or imagine" [Eph. 3:20].

I see the goodness and grace of God in the midst of my weaknesses, insufficiencies, and failings. I see it extended to me, despite my disobedience. God is good. He is "faithful, even when we are faithless" [2 Tim. 2:13]. He is "full of compassion and grace, longsuffering and abundant in mercy and truth" [Psalm 86:15].

I cannot add any more profound thoughts than what is revealed in scripture about the character and nature of God. The idea that Almighty God would reach down and provide salvation for wicked, rebellious humanity is unthinkable--and therein lies it's beauty. God is surprising. His love is not logical, in human terms. The idea that He continues to shower love and extend grace to me, in the midst of my stubbornness and independence...there are no words, only repentant tears when the reality of His love for my unworthy self overtakes me.

It is the revelation of God's love and grace for me that is teaching me the love and grace I should have for others. It does not excuse my failings, but it freely forgives them. It knows no limit. God does not cease to love me should I blow it "one too many times". This love and grace--oh, how I wish to extend it to others, as Jesus has to me. Often, I am so closed. I offer my love and grace conditionally, as long as people do not abuse my trust in them.

I just need to get over this fear of having my heart broken. God's really been speaking to me about taking risks with my heart...how it's not necessarily a bad thing. Jesus risked so much for us because He loved us...He continually offers His love even when we fail, and hurt, and reject Him. How can I do any less?

Beautiful

I often forget that I have a blog...that's funny to me. I love writing here, and yet I get so busy with life--often with stupid things, to be honest. I want to be more faithful this year...it seems crazy to me that more than a month is already gone from this new decade.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the amazing people that I have been privileged to do ministry with, to be friends with, to do life with. I know some truly beautiful people. People with stories of over-coming and redemption. People with wisdom and grace abundant, that they have generously shared with me. People who have taught me the gift of hospitality, by opening their homes to me. People of remarkable faith and courage, who have inspired me to press harder towards the goal. Creative people who have helped me discover more about my own creativity. I see the grace and goodness of God through the incredible relationships He has given me, whether short or long-term; across the miles or down the street.

Drops Like Stars

"We plot. We plan. We assume things are going to go a certain way. And when they don’t, we find ourselves in a new place—a place we haven’t been before, a place we never would have imagined on our own. It is the difficult and the unexpected, and maybe even the tragic, that opens us up and frees us to see things in new ways. Many of the most significant moments in our lives come not because it all went right but because it all fell apart. Suffering does that. It hurts, but it also creates."

This is from the back cover of Rob Bell's new book, Drops Like Stars. And it pretty much sums up where I am right now.

No, I am not comparing my life to the countless millions who live in poverty, war zones, or prostitution. But I am learning what it is like to endure. To watch while your carefully laid plans and cherished hopes lie around you in a smoldering heap. Because it went wrong. Because I had my heart broken. Because God threw a grenade at my plan in order to draw me closer to Him.

I love that He does that. Even though it hurts, I love that He put me back on the path toward my dream. I love that things didn't go my way, because if they had I would be stuck right now. I wouldn't have the new friends I've made. I wouldn't be filled with joy at the new experiences and the learning and the creativity.

They say that hind sight is 20/20. I've learned the difficult lesson of guarding my heart. He broke my heart, but I share equal blame in giving my heart so freely to someone who didn't treasure it. It hurts. The ache has lessened since I have begun making a conscious effort to forgive.

Melanie and Film

My friend Melanie is one of the coolest people I know. She's wise and funny and creative and generous. She's honest and real. She wears her heart on her sleeve. She's okay with struggling with things and with being vulnerable. If she read this, she'd probably say that I'm exaggerating and that half those things aren't true or that they're really hard for her. I don't care. She inspires me.

Two of my favorite Melanie quotes:

"It's crazy to get to know the mystery of people."
and
"I'll take a cup of life with a shot of purple."

Take time to appreciate the people who inspire you today, okay?

Ooh, and I was thinking about filmmaking today, and specifically the kind of film company I want to start. I wrote this down in my favorite local coffee shop, Portillo's:
I have the notion that we can build a family of filmmakers--a company that celebrates the individual's unique contribution to a communal vision. A place where we are more than coworkers and employees. A place where we find ourselves unified in creativity and where we take part in each other's lives and dreams.

Creativity!!

Eight Questions on creativity...

What is your personal definition of creativity?
Creativity is connecting with the heart of God. Understanding that part of His heart that took great care and joy in creating the world. It is entering into the work of God and co-labouring with Him. It is worship.

What is/are your favorite form(s) of creativity?
Film, music, writing, graphic design, and photography.

What inspires you most?
Other art. Something I read will inspire a painting, or a song, or a film idea. I'll see someone else's photo and wonder "how did they think of that?", then I'll try to expand the idea and shape it into how I would have interpreted the same scene. Old jazz and blues music. Vintage clothing. Old books. God's artwork--the sky painted at night or a mountain with whispy low cloud at the peak or the silhouette of a gnarled tree against the sky.

What kind of environment do you like to work in?
One where I am alone or at least undisturbed. I like music to be playing, either worship or Miles Davis. If I am writing, I like to have a coffee or tea...call me crazy but I feel more "writerish" that way :) The area must be neat and organized or I get overwhelmed and distracted. I like lots of colour. Basically, it has to be an artistic, organized, hospitable and inviting atmosphere.

Who is/are your creative hero(es)?
Alfred Hitchcock. Joni Mitchell, Johnny Cash, Brandon Flowers, and George Harrison are a few of the songwriters that I admire. Walt Disney and the many 'Imagineers'...seriously, Disneyland is one of the most well designed places I've ever been. Everything is a visual treat :)

How do you apply creativity to your daily activities? OR How do you cultivate creativity?
I am constantly on the lookout for inspiration. I read, I check out new music, I see new films, I go for walks with my camera. I crochet...sounds weird, but it helps me focus and think. I try new things.

How can the church apply creativity in daily life?
Be willing to try new things. Be stretched. Explore new possibilities in worship. Try journaling or drawing for a quiet time instead of reading a daily devotional. Interact with God. Ask Him how He wants you to be creative today. Honour artists in the church and celebrate the gifts God has given them by giving them more opportunities to truly use their creativity...and I'm talking about more than doing posters and teaching songs to kids...dynamic, creative ministry in ways that break out of the traditional way we do church...like creating a space where people can come and be creative and then holding outreaches in it, like open mic nights. A place that cultivates relationship and creativity and doesn’t threaten people by feeling “churchy” or like they are “projects”.

Give one practical creative tip that has helped you most.
Being creative is a discipline. There is a stereotype that artists are lazy, disorganized people who sit around pondering until inspiration hits them, then launch into manic fits of creativity until the project is complete. This is untrue. Artists do tend to think differently than other people and they can be quirky or unorthodox; BUT that doesn't mean that creativity comes just by waiting around. If you want the gift of creativity that God gave you to grow, then you need to discipline yourself to use it. You need to steward it and glorify God through it by proactively looking for inspiration, not wait around for inspiration to smack you upside the head.

Thought of the Month

This is courtesy of Jamie Tworkowski, of To Write Love On Her Arms:

"You'll need coffee shops and sunsets and roadtrips. Airplanes and passports and new songs and old songs, but people more than anything else. You will need other people and you will need to be that other person to someone else, a living breathing screaming invitation to believe better things."

Suspicions and assumptions are nothing to base a relationship on...

I am insecure. I know it. In most areas of my life, I am confident. I am controlled. I know who I am and I am unafraid and unashamed. Does this sound conceited? Perhaps it is. Perhaps not. I have come to view humility as believing true thoughts about yourself. If the things I have just said are true about me, then I am practicing humility, not conceit.

It is truth that I am generally secure. It is also truth that in particularly one area of my life, I am insecure. It has to do with one person. Normally, I am confident in my relationship with him. I do not feel threatened. Still, I bow to jealousies. I allow tortured thoughts. I am suspicious.

But suspicions and assumptions are nothing to base a relationship on.

I know that this is due to an insufficiency in myself. I believe myself unworthy of him. That is not truth. But I believe it. I am a daughter of God and much beloved by Him. I was created uniquely. I am creative. I am talented. I am lovely. I am worth fighting for.

It is also due to the fact that he is amazing. Others girls know it and they flock to him. He is attractive, talented, kind, funny, charismatic, deep, wise, bold, strong, adventurous.

I love him. Oh, how I love him.

If I really do love him, nothing I do can be motivated by fear. There is no fear in love. I have to hold him with an open hand. I must be patient.

God, help me!! Help me to keep my hands open, raised to you in worship and surrender. He is yours, not mine.

Learning To Dance In The Rain

So, I taught at the YWAM base a couple weeks ago and these are my notes:

Learning to Dance in the Rain

Conflict: There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel like running away. I joke about running away and joining the circus, but really it is a true struggle in me not to feel like life will better on the other side of the rain.

Story:
“The rain beats steadily against the glass. It is not common for such a storm to saturate us. The drops burst—more akin to water balloons than the misty showers I have grown accustomed to. I sigh—the sky has thwarted my plans.
“All I wanted was a clear sky. The laughter and chatter of friends around a comfortable bonfire must be delayed. Tap. Tap. Tap. My fingers on the kitchen table betray impatience. The sky moves quickly in Alaska. Perhaps the storm will pass soon.
“Five minutes go by. Ten. No end to the storm. I resign myself to an evening shut indoors, but an image asserts itself. Dancing. I see myself twirl and jump. My hair slicks to my head as enormous drops kiss my eyelids. Dancing in the rain?
“If I am honest, the rain does look refreshing. The damp seems inviting—never mind that I will be soaked within seconds. It will be uncomfortable. I might get muddy. I swing open the door and bare feet fly across the grass. Twirling, I stretch wide my arms and embrace freedom.”

Contentment

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass; it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”

Happiness vs. joy

Happiness is an emotion dictated by circumstance.

Joy finds its source in God.

My circumstances and emotions must not rule me. Jesus is Lord of my life!

Psalm 16: “The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places.”

The things that God has put in my life are for my good. We must embrace where we are.

Comfort vs. contentment

Comfort is when we’ve settled in. We’ve dug a hole and no one can disturb where we want to be. We’re stuck in a rut and we want to stay there rather than go through the discomfort of change and growth.

Contentment is the place of resting desire. It is a place where we become okay with our daily wrestle with God. It’s a paradox—being okay with not being okay; being comfortable with being uncomfortable; ceasing to wrestle with the fact that we wrestle with things. It is the place of growth—of Christ’s character being built more and more into us.

Philp 4:11-13

“I have entered the risk zone—a life beyond the status quo. I have abandoned myself to God—to a higher standard, to a greater call, to a life “less ordinary”. The more I live this life, the more I realize that my discomfort is insignificant in light of eternity. I have all of eternity to be comfortable, so why do I complain so vehemently against the temporary discomforts of this brief existence?”—Bethany Smith


I cannot look into the future and live there because there is no guarantee that the day will be sunnier. It could be sunnier; it might rain harder, but no matter how much time I spend thinking about it, I cannot change what my future circumstances will be.

I am learning that true hope and God-breathed vision come out of a place of contentment. Only when I have come to rest in my present state will I be filled with hope and set alive with vision from God.

I am learning to be okay with where I am now…and now…and now…etc. Are you?

How Far Will You Let Me Go?

I hate this. I hate the weaknesses I see in myself. I hate the things God asks me to do to remedy them. I hate the resistance I feel rising up in my flesh. I hate that it's hard and uncomfortable and I know I need to obey because it's not worth disobeying.

It sinks in...

Just a few thoughts today: I am starting to understand more fully who I am. I was thinking over my day last night. I love reflection. Well, I was thinking over a conversation with a friend. "Your acceptance or rejection of me doesn't change who I am." Woah! When did that truth finally sink in? I've struggled with others' opinions of me being tied to my value. It become so clear last night. Somewhere along the way I started believing in my heart that my value is tied to God.

I just had a Pride and Prejudice Moment?

It's funny how we think we know ourselves. And then along comes a new wave...something new captures your heart and you are changed irreversibly. You thought you had your life figured out. That you knew what the deepest desire of your heart was. And then it's shattered. You see yourself through new eyes. You know what you want. And it's different than you imagined. Not better or worse. Just different. 

I never realised what I wanted. I had dreams. They were good. But I don't know that they were God's dreams. I know I could have pursued them and God would have blessed me. But I know my own heart more fully. I know what I love to do and what makes me come alive. It's not leadership. It's not running a ministry or being in charge of things. It's one-on-one discipleship. Teaching. Hospitality. Art...on my own time and terms. 

I do not want to pursue a career right now. If I abandon myself to pursuing this, it will consume my life for the next 10-15 years. I want a home. I want a family. I want to do ministry on my own terms and time. I want to make coffee! Ha! It's funny how different my life is going to be. Now that I've truly examined the desires of my heart. 

I feel like Elizabeth in P&P. "Until this moment, I never truly knew myself."

Online

Why is it so easy to chat online, yet so hard to converse face to face? Wouldn't it be easier to talk when you could look into their eyes? Guess at what they are feeling? Yet we talk freely to a computer screen--and keep our mouths shut when with another human being. I am doing it again right now. Typing my thoughts into a blog...I want to share them with a person.

I long to be truly known, but I fear intimate relationship. I fear someone knowing me and then rejecting me. I am not perfect--far from it. I am farther than some believe from surface level observation. My past whispers that no one will ever accept me. That I am un-redeemable. I fear being known, even though I know these are lies. 

I want to be known in life, not just online. 

Green

The world has turned green and fresh again. I fell in love with this place at this time of year. It seems surreal that I have lived in Homer for two years. It was two years on Friday. It seems I have always been here. This place gets inside of you. It becomes a part of you.

Leaving is something I crave and simultaneously dread. I miss my family. I want to spend some quality time with them before our lives change too much more. But the thought of leaving the people here behind tears my heart. I have incredible friends here. They are the family I have chosen.

God, help me to know what is right!

I know I'll be back to Homer someday. I want to come back and just live...I don't want to say 'a normal life' because I don't believe such a thing exists. Shall we say, a non-community living life?

Hope

Hope is the belief that the future holds something good.

I've been learning about hope lately. The theme seems to be everywhere. Movies, books, sermons, songs, blogs...they all speak to me about hope. I need to hear it. I need to be reminded about hope. That God has things in store for me. That He has good plans. That I'm included.

I have so many dreams for the future. Sometimes they seem out of reach. Sometimes my hope dims. Whispers in the dark say that nothing's ever going to change. Lies. Hope is truth. God's truth. 

I want to be a filmmaker. I want to direct movies that will touch people's hearts. That will reveal truth when Hollywood is so consumed by lies. That will speak hope in the face of overwhelming doubt.

My friend Graeme says that films are about escape--an alternate life. The hope that there is more out there than what we see and experience first hand. The hope that we can be more if we just dive into another world than the one we know right now.

I think that all films give hope. Most attempt to make us hope in the wrong things. Popularity. Partying. Being cool. Adventure. Finding the perfect lover. Etc.

I want to make films that will point out the right thing to hope in. The only thing we can hope in is God. Because only He comes through every time. Love, sacrifice, kindness, joy, peace--these point us to the God of Hope (Romans 15:13).

Symptoms

It's funny how we think we can treat symptoms without addressing the root of a problem. This is as true in the case of physical ailment as it is in emotional and mental stress. 

I had a conversation with a friend recently. I brought a list of all the things bothering me in our relationship. I wanted to treat symptoms. I wanted to ignore the root. I was afraid if I admitted the root then I would have to deal with more problems. That I would be hurt. The conversation went nowhere. It was useless, until I was honest. Until the root was exposed.

I didn't expect to feel this calm. I didn't expect to feel so free. I feel peace again. I've stopped worrying. I've stopped thinking too much. 

God is good. He is faithful, even when we are faithless. He does exceedingly, abundantly above. Again and again. And I am so thankful.

Coffee

I spend a lot of time around coffee. I drink coffee at home. I hang out in coffee shops. I work as a barista. My friends like coffee. We talk about coffee.

I still remember the first cup of coffee I had that I enjoyed. It was from a coffee shop and it had lots of cream and sugar in it. My prior exposure to coffee had been stale-tasting Folgers at "coffee fellowship time" after church.

Blech!

This particularly life changing cup of coffee was sipped while in conversation with a new friend. I remember the topics...the conversation was that good. I think perhaps what makes coffee such a meaningful part of my life is the relational aspect of it. 

Now, I love coffee. I love the flavour--I now drink it with lots of cream, but no sweetening of any kind. BUT I enjoy it a billion times more if I have a friend sitting across the table or next to me on the couch. Relationship is what matters--coffee just facilitates it.

My friend Graeme says that the key to winning the Western Hemisphere is a simple coffee mug. "You put a cup of something warm in their hands and people talk," he said. As I thought about it, I realized he was absolutely right! Some of my favorite conversations with strangers have been in a coffee shop. Some of my most fruitful relationships have been built over coffee...or tea, for those of you who prefer it.

Coffee shop evangelism...try it. Relationships are what matter, because the only thing you can take with you to heaven is people.

Home

"Maybe surrounded by a million people...I still feel all alone...I wanna go home."

I love the words to that Michael Buble song...they connect with me. I feel an incredible longing within myself to be home. The only problem is, I don't know where home is. Home has always been a very fluid concept in my life. Twenty-one years old and I've moved as many times. I'm not exaggerating--I actually counted it up today. 

"Let me go home...I've had my run...baby, I'm done...I gotta go home."

Scripture says that we look forward to a heavenly homeland...that we are strangers and pilgrims in this world. I know that my longing to be home will not be fulfilled completely until I find my way to my heavenly homeland. But, God, I want a home here, now--a promise of the things to come...a glimpse into the perfection of eternity.

I am finding more and more that this place feels like home...but not with YWAM...the community of Homer. I seem to have finally realized after two years here that life does exist outside of YWAM...that it's okay to have friends who are not in YWAM. I feel like I've wasted so much time getting to know the amazing new friends I've found. I want to stay...I want to go...I don't know. 

My heart is restless, trying to find my home. I have put my creativity on hold for so long...I don't know where to go in order to cultivate it. I feel like that is the new season God is drawing me into...a season of cultivating my creativity. I have laid it down for two years...laid it down in order to serve the vision of others...I feel like God is handing it back to me.

Which Jesus Do You Follow?

The religion that I grew up in is too neat and tidy. It is too perfectly packaged. I think that "typical Christianity" must offend the world horribly. If they ever opened up a Bible they would easily discern the difference between the Jesus in the Bible and the blond-haired, blue-eyed eunuch of a man that we Western Christians claim to worship.

But who could earnestly worship the weak Jesus who fits so nicely into our church buildings? True worship is inspired by awe, wonder, holy terror! The Western Jesus does not provoke those emotions in me. 

JESUS--the Dissident, the Man of War, The King, the Defender of the weak, the Bleeding Sacrifice--is not comfortable or neat or pretty. But He makes me fall down in awe and wonder. I am shocked by Him. Shocked outside of myself. Provoked to abandoned worship. 

He doesn't belong in a building--indeed, it could NEVER contain Him. He would never be so refined--so CONFINED! My Jesus is a Jealous Warrior King who will suffer no rival for my affections. He is a Wild Artist who paints the skies for me and whispers poetry on wind. He is a Fighter for causes of social justice--good news for the poor and afflicted; freedom for the captives; favour and peace from God on High. He is my Savior, who held back nothing in His lavish show of affection for me on the cross. He is my Best Friend--who I can tell anything to, who will never judge me if I come to Him with an open heart.

Birthdays--letter to myself on the occasion of my 21st birthday (March 23)

Birthdays are a big deal. God chose a specific day for you to enter the world. To remember and celebrate that day is to worship Him and rejoice in the plan He has for your life.

Believe me, God has big plans for you. They may be big in the world's eyes or they may not. It doesn't really matter--they are big plans because the Infinite Creator dreamed them up!

Remember the things He's been teaching you. Cling to them. Set up a memorial to remember this time in your life. You'll never have this time again--as much as you wish for it to end.

Do not despise the season the Lord has you in. Rejoice in it, embrace it, learn from it, and look forward expectantly. Trust that new, good things are just around the corner. Trust that they wouldn't be as good if you didn't have to walk through today.