Suspicions and assumptions are nothing to base a relationship on...

I am insecure. I know it. In most areas of my life, I am confident. I am controlled. I know who I am and I am unafraid and unashamed. Does this sound conceited? Perhaps it is. Perhaps not. I have come to view humility as believing true thoughts about yourself. If the things I have just said are true about me, then I am practicing humility, not conceit.

It is truth that I am generally secure. It is also truth that in particularly one area of my life, I am insecure. It has to do with one person. Normally, I am confident in my relationship with him. I do not feel threatened. Still, I bow to jealousies. I allow tortured thoughts. I am suspicious.

But suspicions and assumptions are nothing to base a relationship on.

I know that this is due to an insufficiency in myself. I believe myself unworthy of him. That is not truth. But I believe it. I am a daughter of God and much beloved by Him. I was created uniquely. I am creative. I am talented. I am lovely. I am worth fighting for.

It is also due to the fact that he is amazing. Others girls know it and they flock to him. He is attractive, talented, kind, funny, charismatic, deep, wise, bold, strong, adventurous.

I love him. Oh, how I love him.

If I really do love him, nothing I do can be motivated by fear. There is no fear in love. I have to hold him with an open hand. I must be patient.

God, help me!! Help me to keep my hands open, raised to you in worship and surrender. He is yours, not mine.

Learning To Dance In The Rain

So, I taught at the YWAM base a couple weeks ago and these are my notes:

Learning to Dance in the Rain

Conflict: There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel like running away. I joke about running away and joining the circus, but really it is a true struggle in me not to feel like life will better on the other side of the rain.

Story:
“The rain beats steadily against the glass. It is not common for such a storm to saturate us. The drops burst—more akin to water balloons than the misty showers I have grown accustomed to. I sigh—the sky has thwarted my plans.
“All I wanted was a clear sky. The laughter and chatter of friends around a comfortable bonfire must be delayed. Tap. Tap. Tap. My fingers on the kitchen table betray impatience. The sky moves quickly in Alaska. Perhaps the storm will pass soon.
“Five minutes go by. Ten. No end to the storm. I resign myself to an evening shut indoors, but an image asserts itself. Dancing. I see myself twirl and jump. My hair slicks to my head as enormous drops kiss my eyelids. Dancing in the rain?
“If I am honest, the rain does look refreshing. The damp seems inviting—never mind that I will be soaked within seconds. It will be uncomfortable. I might get muddy. I swing open the door and bare feet fly across the grass. Twirling, I stretch wide my arms and embrace freedom.”

Contentment

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass; it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”

Happiness vs. joy

Happiness is an emotion dictated by circumstance.

Joy finds its source in God.

My circumstances and emotions must not rule me. Jesus is Lord of my life!

Psalm 16: “The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places.”

The things that God has put in my life are for my good. We must embrace where we are.

Comfort vs. contentment

Comfort is when we’ve settled in. We’ve dug a hole and no one can disturb where we want to be. We’re stuck in a rut and we want to stay there rather than go through the discomfort of change and growth.

Contentment is the place of resting desire. It is a place where we become okay with our daily wrestle with God. It’s a paradox—being okay with not being okay; being comfortable with being uncomfortable; ceasing to wrestle with the fact that we wrestle with things. It is the place of growth—of Christ’s character being built more and more into us.

Philp 4:11-13

“I have entered the risk zone—a life beyond the status quo. I have abandoned myself to God—to a higher standard, to a greater call, to a life “less ordinary”. The more I live this life, the more I realize that my discomfort is insignificant in light of eternity. I have all of eternity to be comfortable, so why do I complain so vehemently against the temporary discomforts of this brief existence?”—Bethany Smith


I cannot look into the future and live there because there is no guarantee that the day will be sunnier. It could be sunnier; it might rain harder, but no matter how much time I spend thinking about it, I cannot change what my future circumstances will be.

I am learning that true hope and God-breathed vision come out of a place of contentment. Only when I have come to rest in my present state will I be filled with hope and set alive with vision from God.

I am learning to be okay with where I am now…and now…and now…etc. Are you?

How Far Will You Let Me Go?

I hate this. I hate the weaknesses I see in myself. I hate the things God asks me to do to remedy them. I hate the resistance I feel rising up in my flesh. I hate that it's hard and uncomfortable and I know I need to obey because it's not worth disobeying.

It sinks in...

Just a few thoughts today: I am starting to understand more fully who I am. I was thinking over my day last night. I love reflection. Well, I was thinking over a conversation with a friend. "Your acceptance or rejection of me doesn't change who I am." Woah! When did that truth finally sink in? I've struggled with others' opinions of me being tied to my value. It become so clear last night. Somewhere along the way I started believing in my heart that my value is tied to God.

I just had a Pride and Prejudice Moment?

It's funny how we think we know ourselves. And then along comes a new wave...something new captures your heart and you are changed irreversibly. You thought you had your life figured out. That you knew what the deepest desire of your heart was. And then it's shattered. You see yourself through new eyes. You know what you want. And it's different than you imagined. Not better or worse. Just different. 

I never realised what I wanted. I had dreams. They were good. But I don't know that they were God's dreams. I know I could have pursued them and God would have blessed me. But I know my own heart more fully. I know what I love to do and what makes me come alive. It's not leadership. It's not running a ministry or being in charge of things. It's one-on-one discipleship. Teaching. Hospitality. Art...on my own time and terms. 

I do not want to pursue a career right now. If I abandon myself to pursuing this, it will consume my life for the next 10-15 years. I want a home. I want a family. I want to do ministry on my own terms and time. I want to make coffee! Ha! It's funny how different my life is going to be. Now that I've truly examined the desires of my heart. 

I feel like Elizabeth in P&P. "Until this moment, I never truly knew myself."

Online

Why is it so easy to chat online, yet so hard to converse face to face? Wouldn't it be easier to talk when you could look into their eyes? Guess at what they are feeling? Yet we talk freely to a computer screen--and keep our mouths shut when with another human being. I am doing it again right now. Typing my thoughts into a blog...I want to share them with a person.

I long to be truly known, but I fear intimate relationship. I fear someone knowing me and then rejecting me. I am not perfect--far from it. I am farther than some believe from surface level observation. My past whispers that no one will ever accept me. That I am un-redeemable. I fear being known, even though I know these are lies. 

I want to be known in life, not just online. 

Green

The world has turned green and fresh again. I fell in love with this place at this time of year. It seems surreal that I have lived in Homer for two years. It was two years on Friday. It seems I have always been here. This place gets inside of you. It becomes a part of you.

Leaving is something I crave and simultaneously dread. I miss my family. I want to spend some quality time with them before our lives change too much more. But the thought of leaving the people here behind tears my heart. I have incredible friends here. They are the family I have chosen.

God, help me to know what is right!

I know I'll be back to Homer someday. I want to come back and just live...I don't want to say 'a normal life' because I don't believe such a thing exists. Shall we say, a non-community living life?

Hope

Hope is the belief that the future holds something good.

I've been learning about hope lately. The theme seems to be everywhere. Movies, books, sermons, songs, blogs...they all speak to me about hope. I need to hear it. I need to be reminded about hope. That God has things in store for me. That He has good plans. That I'm included.

I have so many dreams for the future. Sometimes they seem out of reach. Sometimes my hope dims. Whispers in the dark say that nothing's ever going to change. Lies. Hope is truth. God's truth. 

I want to be a filmmaker. I want to direct movies that will touch people's hearts. That will reveal truth when Hollywood is so consumed by lies. That will speak hope in the face of overwhelming doubt.

My friend Graeme says that films are about escape--an alternate life. The hope that there is more out there than what we see and experience first hand. The hope that we can be more if we just dive into another world than the one we know right now.

I think that all films give hope. Most attempt to make us hope in the wrong things. Popularity. Partying. Being cool. Adventure. Finding the perfect lover. Etc.

I want to make films that will point out the right thing to hope in. The only thing we can hope in is God. Because only He comes through every time. Love, sacrifice, kindness, joy, peace--these point us to the God of Hope (Romans 15:13).

Symptoms

It's funny how we think we can treat symptoms without addressing the root of a problem. This is as true in the case of physical ailment as it is in emotional and mental stress. 

I had a conversation with a friend recently. I brought a list of all the things bothering me in our relationship. I wanted to treat symptoms. I wanted to ignore the root. I was afraid if I admitted the root then I would have to deal with more problems. That I would be hurt. The conversation went nowhere. It was useless, until I was honest. Until the root was exposed.

I didn't expect to feel this calm. I didn't expect to feel so free. I feel peace again. I've stopped worrying. I've stopped thinking too much. 

God is good. He is faithful, even when we are faithless. He does exceedingly, abundantly above. Again and again. And I am so thankful.

Coffee

I spend a lot of time around coffee. I drink coffee at home. I hang out in coffee shops. I work as a barista. My friends like coffee. We talk about coffee.

I still remember the first cup of coffee I had that I enjoyed. It was from a coffee shop and it had lots of cream and sugar in it. My prior exposure to coffee had been stale-tasting Folgers at "coffee fellowship time" after church.

Blech!

This particularly life changing cup of coffee was sipped while in conversation with a new friend. I remember the topics...the conversation was that good. I think perhaps what makes coffee such a meaningful part of my life is the relational aspect of it. 

Now, I love coffee. I love the flavour--I now drink it with lots of cream, but no sweetening of any kind. BUT I enjoy it a billion times more if I have a friend sitting across the table or next to me on the couch. Relationship is what matters--coffee just facilitates it.

My friend Graeme says that the key to winning the Western Hemisphere is a simple coffee mug. "You put a cup of something warm in their hands and people talk," he said. As I thought about it, I realized he was absolutely right! Some of my favorite conversations with strangers have been in a coffee shop. Some of my most fruitful relationships have been built over coffee...or tea, for those of you who prefer it.

Coffee shop evangelism...try it. Relationships are what matter, because the only thing you can take with you to heaven is people.

Home

"Maybe surrounded by a million people...I still feel all alone...I wanna go home."

I love the words to that Michael Buble song...they connect with me. I feel an incredible longing within myself to be home. The only problem is, I don't know where home is. Home has always been a very fluid concept in my life. Twenty-one years old and I've moved as many times. I'm not exaggerating--I actually counted it up today. 

"Let me go home...I've had my run...baby, I'm done...I gotta go home."

Scripture says that we look forward to a heavenly homeland...that we are strangers and pilgrims in this world. I know that my longing to be home will not be fulfilled completely until I find my way to my heavenly homeland. But, God, I want a home here, now--a promise of the things to come...a glimpse into the perfection of eternity.

I am finding more and more that this place feels like home...but not with YWAM...the community of Homer. I seem to have finally realized after two years here that life does exist outside of YWAM...that it's okay to have friends who are not in YWAM. I feel like I've wasted so much time getting to know the amazing new friends I've found. I want to stay...I want to go...I don't know. 

My heart is restless, trying to find my home. I have put my creativity on hold for so long...I don't know where to go in order to cultivate it. I feel like that is the new season God is drawing me into...a season of cultivating my creativity. I have laid it down for two years...laid it down in order to serve the vision of others...I feel like God is handing it back to me.

Which Jesus Do You Follow?

The religion that I grew up in is too neat and tidy. It is too perfectly packaged. I think that "typical Christianity" must offend the world horribly. If they ever opened up a Bible they would easily discern the difference between the Jesus in the Bible and the blond-haired, blue-eyed eunuch of a man that we Western Christians claim to worship.

But who could earnestly worship the weak Jesus who fits so nicely into our church buildings? True worship is inspired by awe, wonder, holy terror! The Western Jesus does not provoke those emotions in me. 

JESUS--the Dissident, the Man of War, The King, the Defender of the weak, the Bleeding Sacrifice--is not comfortable or neat or pretty. But He makes me fall down in awe and wonder. I am shocked by Him. Shocked outside of myself. Provoked to abandoned worship. 

He doesn't belong in a building--indeed, it could NEVER contain Him. He would never be so refined--so CONFINED! My Jesus is a Jealous Warrior King who will suffer no rival for my affections. He is a Wild Artist who paints the skies for me and whispers poetry on wind. He is a Fighter for causes of social justice--good news for the poor and afflicted; freedom for the captives; favour and peace from God on High. He is my Savior, who held back nothing in His lavish show of affection for me on the cross. He is my Best Friend--who I can tell anything to, who will never judge me if I come to Him with an open heart.

Birthdays--letter to myself on the occasion of my 21st birthday (March 23)

Birthdays are a big deal. God chose a specific day for you to enter the world. To remember and celebrate that day is to worship Him and rejoice in the plan He has for your life.

Believe me, God has big plans for you. They may be big in the world's eyes or they may not. It doesn't really matter--they are big plans because the Infinite Creator dreamed them up!

Remember the things He's been teaching you. Cling to them. Set up a memorial to remember this time in your life. You'll never have this time again--as much as you wish for it to end.

Do not despise the season the Lord has you in. Rejoice in it, embrace it, learn from it, and look forward expectantly. Trust that new, good things are just around the corner. Trust that they wouldn't be as good if you didn't have to walk through today.

The Kingdom--originally written March 10, 2008

The Kingdom of God is a violent takeover. It overwhelms the things of the flesh in me. God is jealous for me and will allow no other lover...nothing that displaces Him in my heart. He is passionately committed to violently eradicating everything that is not of Him.

He is more concerned with my character (that is, the character of Christ cultivated in me), than my comfort. And in the midst of this bloody struggle (it is indeed bloody, for it required the blood of Jesus and requires my daily death to self), He still wants to give me every good thing, every fruit, every virtue, every blessing, every good gift.

Uncomfortable--originally written on March 3, 2008

I have entered the risk zone--a life beyond the status quo. I have abandoned myself to God--to a higher standard, to a greater call, to a life "less ordinary". The more I live this life, the more I realise that my discomfort is insignificant in light of eternity. I have all of eternity to be comfortable and happy, so why do I complain so vehemently against the temporary discomforts of this brief existence?

 I don't believe for a minute that this character stretching will ease or lessen. Sometimes I feel as though I am gasping for air--I cry out to God, "Could You just take a five minute break, please?" I want it easy, until I recognise that He is committed to bringing me as close to perfection as possible before I enter eternity. Jesus will spare nothing in refining me--not His Life, nor mine.

God, give me grace as You work in my life. Give me peace to endure the storms and discomforts of refining. Give me love for those who are on this journey with me.

"Don't think I've come to make life cozy."--Jesus, Matthew 10:34 (The Message)

Courage--Originally written January 10, 2008

"It takes courage to grow up and be who you really are."--e.e. cummings

I have been reading Mere Christianity, by C.S. Lewis. It is a fantastic book. It has not been paradigm shifting or anything, just a refreshing challenge to understand why I believe what I believe. 

The end part focuses on how, if we allow Christ to transform us and strip away our old nature to make us more like Him, we do not lose our own identity; but rather, we become more truly who we were created to be. I think that surrendering our own will to His is one of the most courageous acts we can carry out in this life (hence the quote...), because it is a continual process. It does not happen once but must be repeated every morning--"not I, but Christ" must be our attitude upon every waking.

It is the paradox of this crazy journey: "To save your life you must lose it."

letter to B---, originally written on December 12, 2007

You must remember to savor the sweetness of life. It is too short, and there are many moments that are less than pleasing to taste. Every time we glory in the sweetness of life, here and now, we grab hold of the promise that our tears will be wiped away.

You know all too well the bitter tasting moments, the flavor of salty tears. Do not dwell there. Allow those things to run their course, then enjoy sweetness. There is sugar sprinkled within the hard flavors. Savor those--the precious memories of those you've lost, the laughter, the joy brought to your life.

The variety adds richness, adds depth to you. You are not less because of your losses. Rather, you are more, because of what each person and experience left with you.

Dearest B---, it's alright to cry. God is crying, too. He knows the hurt that losses, that death, that separation cause. He knows it intimately. 

Allow love to motivate you. It is the sweetness. Love, joy, peace, laughter, kindness, friendship--these are what make the sweet moments.

Grief is but a moment long. Sweetness is forever. Forever in the arms of Jesus. Forever waiting, with those you've lost, for you to finish the race and run into it.

Letter to B---, originally written on April 16, 2007

Remember to always be who God created you to be. You are beautiful and lovely, just like Queen Esther. You are silly and fun. You are dearly loved. You are accepted and handpicked. There is nothing wrong with you. Do not accept the enemy's lies that you are ugly, stupid, or unworthy. God's love for and passionate commitment to you will never be voided. You make Him so happy!

God loves your obedient heart and your pursuit and hunger for Him. He is birthing and growing things in you that are so huge you cannot understand. Please, do not feel overwhelmed. Remember that it is not ever your responsibility to "figure things out". It is just your responsibility to listen and obey. He loves you just as you are, because you were created that way. Embrace who God made you to be. Embrace that God has a significant plan for your life, even though you may not know or fully understand yet. 

Remember that you are extraordinary! You are worth fighting for and putting up with. You are not "too much" to handle. I feel God's heartbeat for you and His arms wrapping around you tonight. Never forget this feeling! Never forget that God is there, just a breath away, waiting for you to fling yourself into His arms. 

OW

My heart hurts today. I'll spare you the details...let's just say it was an emotional day and I took some things on myself that I should not have. I get myself too involved in things. I give my heart away too easily and I get hurt. The other person didn't mean to. They didn't even know they broke my heart. It's not their fault...it is mine.

I want to live my life unguarded. I want to live transparently and to love without reserve. But when do I hold back? I have lived so long with walls around my heart. I want to let people in. I love to love people. I live for it now. I just wish they loved me back sometimes. It's not just in a romantic sense...it is more than that. 

I hate living with secrets. I value honesty so highly...perhaps because I have lived with so many lies for so long. But I find myself living with a secret yet again. I wonder sometimes if it really is true that there are some things better left unsaid...if I could have things my way I would always say what I feel when I feel it. But I live in the reality that people will be hurt if I am 100% honest. I am silent...I suppose you could call it wisdom. I call it a lie.

WAS

I am in Wasilla this weekend...hence the title 'WAS'. This weekend initiates transition in the life of our YWAM base, and I suppose, in my life as well. We drove up to Wasilla for the wedding of one of our staff members, Rob Lilley. He is moving on to other things--a wife, schooling, and new adventures...and we are left feeling the void of his presence. On Monday we drop off our DTS (Discipleship Training School) outreach team. They fly out that morning to St. Lawrence Island for 2 months. They are the fourth team from our base to go on outreach there. So, this weekend marks a quieting down on the base for those of us left behind. It also marks a new season of service. 

Those of us staying behind are going to be focusing on reaching out to the community of Homer for the next two months. For me, this means learning to be a barista at a local outreach coffee shop. This is scary. I haven't worked in this kind of situation for over two years...before I joined YWAM and embraced a life...less...ordinary. It's not exactly your typical job, but doing anything other than what I have done seems intimidating right now. I'm not sure why. 

I have six and a half months left in my commitment to the base in Homer. Right now I think I'll go home, work, then move on to film school in Kona, Hawaii. The school is three months long. After that, who knows? God, alone. I hope to have a career in the film industry. That is my hope. I don't know if it is God's plan. I'm sure my future ministry involves film in some way, but how it ties in doesn't seem clear in my mind. Sometimes I think I've figured things out. Then God comes along and messes with my neat little boxes. I am left to figure out how the new passions in my heart fit in. 

Maybe it doesn't all have to fit in neatly. Maybe God isn't as 'civilised' as I think He should be...maybe I am too uptight and need too many answers. It's faith I need, more and more. I need to trust the Father enough to rest in His arms and let Him lead. I wish I didn't always feel like I need the answers. I wish it was enough that He put something into my heart--into my very being--and that I could just chase blindly, knowing that He'll catch me. It is enough, just not in my mind.

I am learning. God is my Infinitely Patient Teacher--I am a difficult student. I want to grasp the lesson, but my flesh resists. I hate waiting. I hate chasing blindly. I hate not being in control of my life. But I love that it is not my responsibility to figure out my life! Why do I think it should be? Why don't I just release it and let God work things out? He does a much better job than I do...